SEVENTY HUMOROUS GUIDELINES FOR LIVING:
(Click on more more jokes to return to the main jokes page or main site to browse 70 topics ranging from exotic kaleidoscope designs to the strange world of lucid dreaming.)
Men are always hearing "the rules" from the female side. Now, here are some rules from the male perspective.
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair... and by then you're stuck with them.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand and don't assume our forgeting one is failing some sort of love-test.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Men believe that yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
If you won't dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us and force us to lie for reasons of self preservation.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. (It doesn't mean we don't love you anymore. We're hard-wired to ogle.)
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials... unless it's a sports car commercial.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind readers and never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but figure you really want to punish us with your inscrutability.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss the shotgun formation or monster trucks.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
(Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that; it's like camping.)
Men are easy to understand. We've been hard wired by a billion years of evolution to want three things because having them maximized our chances of survival or spreading our genetic material: (1) Desiring material possessions (because having lots of food, clothing, etc. meant we were more likely to survive); (2) Power over other people (ditto): (3) lots of young attractive women (young because they are more likely to survive childbirth and less likely to have already been impregnated by another man and attractive because it used to be a primary indicator of health.)
We live in times when acting on these drives is no longer appropriate, but they are still present and influence much of what we feel and do. This isn't shallow or determined by our upbringing, but the imprint of a survival strategy that has carried us to becoming the dominant species on the planet. Women have a similar, though different, set of primal drives. For one gender to look down on another because of them is to ignore how we got where we are.
No matter what we say to protect your feelings, fat (even a minor bulge) is never attractive. Sorry, girls.
When a man sees a woman, "newness" (as in he's never seen her before) is an attraction attribute as concrete as the color of her hair or her figure. This is so strong that it can render a less attractive but unfamiliar woman more desireable than a known, more attractive woman. This behavior is perfectly rational from an evolutionary point of view.
You don't need to ask us if you're over weight if half the tops in your wardrobe look like maternity blouses.
The following are from a speech that Bill Gates gave to an assembly of college graduates.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping-they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time!
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Rules to live by!
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize " and "You are right. "
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody! "
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her...BELIEVE them.
7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
8. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
9. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
10. Work is good, but it's not that important.
11. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
The Following Laws Reflect Life in the Real World:
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theater - People whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer and who leave early before the end of the performance. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs and stay to the bitter end of the show. Aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But if you don't make an appointment, you'll stay sick.
Return to jokes page